The Usual Suspects
by autumnsdark
Summary: Kai decides one summer day that he and the boys need to do some more male bonding. Of course, stupidity ensues.
1. Chapter 1

This may just end up being a one-shot, but it was such fun to write I may continue it...

I don't own Harvest Mooooooon

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The door to the snack shack swung open allowing a warm breeze and bright light to flood the entryway. Three men walked in and settled down at a table. Since it was fairly early the tiny restaurant was rather empty and the recent customers stayed quiet, not talking. One folded his arms and slumped back into his chair, he kept glancing at the noisy air conditioning in annoyance, the other was picking at the paint on the tables with his back hunched over and the last was looking out the window with a pensive expression. The kitchen door was suddenly kicked open with a loud bang and a dark skinned man poked his head through.

"Hey! I thought I heard the front door open!" The man grinned and waved at his customers. "'Sup guys, glad you could make it!"

"Hey Kai." The three of them greeted as Kai took a seat at the table. One flicked out a small blue card and looked pointedly at the chef.

"So, what the hell is this thing?"

Kai plucked the card off the table and grinned, "An invite, dear Gray, an invite."

"Well, Goddess Kai, I know it's an invitation. _Why_ did you give it to us? Cliff and Tim and I have better things to do than sit here in your stupid snack hut."

Tim laughed, "Well, it's my day off today so it really wasn't much trouble actually."

"Duke and Manna said I could take a break today too." Cliff mumbled as he examined his blue invitation.

"Well well, Gray, seems like you're the only one who objects to being here. And its snack _shack_, not snack hut." Kai flashed the sulking blacksmith a bright grin, "Don't worry, see, I've been thinking lately that us guys haven't had as much bonding time as we should have!"

"Bonding time?" Cliff questioned.

"Yes Cliff, bonding time! As the only fine eligible men in this town we need something that holds us together, the glue if you may. So I began thinking that it was a must that we do guy stuff together."

Kai nodded his head happily but Gray, Cliff and Tim looked less than convinced from his little speech.

"You're missing a few guys then," Tim spoke, "If you wanted all the eligible guys in town you should have invited Rick and Harris."

Kai slapped his forehead, "Rick?? That guy would rather kill all his chickens then hang out with the likes of little old me. He's got this sister complex, see? And well, Harris...he's law enforcement and I was thinking that he may not agree with the things I've got planned -"

"I'm leaving, I've got better things to do than sit here and listen to you talk nonsense." Gray began sitting up but Kai pressed his hand on his shoulder.

"Give us a chance Gray, I promise we won't bite."

Gray rolled his eyes but slumped back into his seat with a sulky look on his face.

"Alright then, let's get this party started!" Kai hopped up from his seat and dashed into the kitchen leaving the three other men a little speechless as they stared after him. The bandana clad chef emerged quickly though, holding on a tray, a glass with popsicles in it. He placed the platter in the middle of the table and grinned proudly.

"This, boys, is my finest creation."

Tim stared at the glass, "They're popsicles, Kai."

Cliff picked one up, "They're an odd color..."

"An odd color indeed!" Kai slung his arm around the pony-tailed traveler, "A vanilla and peach blend, perfectly combined to be satisfyingly delicious and unique."

"Yeah but..." Cliff stuttered and blushed, "They...they look like..."

Tim coughed as his cheeks pinked slightly and Gray rolled his blue eyes, "They look like dicks on a stick."

Kai let out a barking laugh and slapped his knee, "_Fantastic_ observation Gray. They were meant to look like that; I call it my erotic cuisine!"

Tim laughed, "So...you want us to bond by eating penis shaped and coloured popsicles?"

At that, Kai's face turned a shade of green, "My Goddess, Tim, do _you_ want to eat penis shaped and coloured popsicles? I'd really hope not! No, no, no, these are for some very special customers due to arrive in any moment." Kai checked his watch and as if on cue the snack shack's doors swung open again, this time five girls walked through, all clutching little pink invitation cards.

"Ladies, glad you could make it!" Kai greeted happily as he rose from the table. "Take a seat!"

Mary, Karen, Elli, Popuri and Ann plopped down at the table next to the guys. Mary tentatively waved at Gray who simply blushed and sunk lower into his seat.

"Doctor! I didn't know you were coming here today as well, we should have just come together!" Elli smiled as she waved her pink invitation card at him.

Ann grinned at Cliff but paid no more attention to him as she was in deep conversation with Karen and Popuri was giddy with excitement as she watched Kai adoringly.

"Well now, I'm glad you lot of you could make it!" Kai announced happily as soon as everyone was settled, "I have with me, a new dish I'm thinking of selling, so to kick start its arrival I'm giving away one free sample to everyone!" He proudly flourished the popsicles to the girls who oohed and aahed accordingly.

As each girl grabbed a peachy popsicle Popuri found herself without one. Looking at Kai with big, sad, red eyes she whined, "Ohh, Kai! There's not enough for me!"

The chef just laughed, "I wouldn't worry about that!" he raced back into the kitchen and emerged holding another popsicle. "For you." He offered the treat to the pink haired girl, "Its chocolate, I know it's your favourite."

She clapped her hands happily and took the chocolately popsicle happily. When Kai turned around to give the rest of the guys a thumbs up he was met with the rolling of eyes and the shaking of heads.

"A _chocolate _popsicle?" Tim choked out, flabbergasted.

"Well, yeah, I mean, how would it make sense if I gave her a vanilla one?"

Gray suddenly looked very embarrassed as he glanced over to the next table. Three other gazes followed his and were met with quite the sight. All five girls were happily licking and sucking the frozen treats, exclaiming that they were indeed, delicious.

Just as Cliff was beginning to think that giving the girls penis shaped popsicles was a good idea his jaw dropped in horror and he let out a terrified gasp. Ann hungrily bit off a chuck of her popsicle and crunched it in an enjoyable manner.

"Whoa, you actually bite your popsicle?" Elli asked in between licks. "I find my teeth get too cold when I do that."

Mary nodded vigorously as her mouth slid up and down the icy treat but Ann laughed, "Biting is the only way to eat a popsicle!" With that she crunched off a large chunk and chewed it loudly, making smacking sounds.

Kai, Tim and Gray spared Cliff apologetic glances and as Cliff looked away with a terrified sob but their eyes were soon drawn back to the spectacle before them. Soon enough though it was interrupted by the snack shack's door swinging open for the third time that day.

A flustered Rick tromped into the building, a look of anger and resentment gracing his features.

"Popuri! There you are! I've been looking for you _all_ morning, you have _chores_! You can't just sit in this dumb shack and eat..._popsicles!_" He practically bellowed at his younger sister but was quickly silenced by Karen who stood up and popped her popsicle into his mouth.

"Shut up Rick. Let her have some fun for once." Karen grumbled and Popuri let out a muffled 'mmhmm' as she sucked her chocolately treat happily.

Well, it would have been all fine and dandy except for Rick seemed to find the frozen treat extremely delicious. He licked and sucked it eagerly as Karen laughed. The boys on the other hand were frozen in complete horror. Watching Ann biting off chucks of a popsicle that looked like a penis wasn't _so _bad since well, none of them were attracted to her that way (aside from Cliff), but watching Rick sucking on one was just...disgusting. Tim shot up from his seat suddenly, his face a lovely shade of green, he tumbled out of the restaurant and the sounds of him throwing up outside could be heard. Kai scooted out soon after him as well as Gray and Cliff.

Rick watched them run away questioningly as he licked the tip of the popsicle, "Did they eat something funny?" He asked the girls, but they simply shrugged and continued to enjoy they're free frozen delights.

--

I really do apologize. This is just so filled with retardedness but I sort of couldn't get the idea out of my head.

Haha, stay tuned for chapter two? (maybe)


	2. Chapter 2

Tim sauntered leisurely down to the beach. He looked down at the small blue invitation card, he'd received it just this morning. It had been a week since he'd last found a tiny invite in his mail box and truthfully, he was quite curious to see what Kai had planned today. He looked down and read the invitation once more.

_Meet at the beach at 9:00 pm_

_BE THERE_

Tim chuckled at the whole childish act that emanated from Kai's overenthusiastic persona. Of course that childish act could easily leak into mischievous prankster but Tim was rather warming up to the traveller and that was why he found himself at the beach in the dimming light of the day.

He spotted Cliff and Kai already waiting and walked up to join them.

"Tim, my man!" Kai grinned and punched him in the arm.

The doctor laughed and absently rubbed his now bruised arm, "No Gray this time? Or are you having issues with him too now?"

"Well, Gray said he had better things to do than act like an idiot...then he ripped up the invitation." Cliff answered with a shrug. "I think he secretly wanted to come though, he's just being stubborn."

Kai threw his head back and laughed loudly as he put his hands on his hips, "Gray's thick headed is all! We're not doing this without him, so let's go!"

They walked briskly back into town and stopped in front of the inn. Kai stroked his chin, as if in deep contemplation.

"Aright boys, how are we going to get the big bad blacksmith out here?" he asked finally.

"Well, we could just go in and ask him..."

"No! Cliff, we have to _strategize_, c'mon. Gray would never just walk out here if we _asked_." Kai shook his head, "No, there's got to be a better way."

Cliff and Tim glanced at each other and shrugged their shoulders as Kai mulled over his thoughts.

"I've got it!" Kai finally exclaimed after a few long minutes, "Doc, you and Cliff sneak up to our room, and _I'll_ distract Gray from out here by throwing rocks at the window! When he's busy yelling at me, the two of you grab him and drag him out here! It's perfect."

Gray's head suddenly popped out from the open window on the second floor, "You idiot, I can hear you up here."

"Ohh - well that's great! C'mon Gray, what've you got to lose?" Kai cheered from the grass.

"My sanity! Or maybe my dignity!"

Tim laughed at Gray's stubbornness, "Gray, it's healthy to go out and have a good time now and then. I'm sure we won't be doing anything _too_ ridiculous."

Kai's back stiffened slightly but he quickly wound his arm around Tim's neck, pointing up at the irritated blacksmith, "Yeah Gray! Listen to the Doc, he's got a PhD!"

Gray rolled his eyes and groaned loudly, giving into the chef's demands. He knew if he didn't comply Kai would be out there all night until the sun rose, then he'd be back the next night and then the next. Trudging down the stairs Gray was greeted by his friend's triumphant smile.

"Alright men, time to discuss the game plan."

They settled down at a table as Kai began divulging his plans.

---

"We're _what_?!" Cliff's face turned ten shades of red.

"Don't worry Cliff, this is good for you."

Gray sulked, "See? I told you not to get yourself involved in this crap."

"It's just panty raiding, I don't see what the problem is..." Tim said in a hushed voice as Ann passed, making her way up the stairs.

The three other men stared at Tim with their mouths open, "_Just_ panty raiding...? _Doctor_!" Cliff managed to squeak out.

Tim shrugged, "We used to do it all the time back in medical school."

Kai nudged Gray in the ribs, "See man, _this_ guy has got it going on. You're coming whether you want to or not, you too Cliff."

"B-But, this is against my morals!" Cliff moaned while he looked to Gray for support, but Gray simply shrugged, "Well, I know you're going to make me do this whether I want to or not."

With a cry of frustration Cliff's body sagged sadly, "I-I guess...If everyone else is going to do it..."

"I still think we should have invited Rick to this." Tim pondered thoughtfully but Kai clapped a hand on the doctor's shoulder.

"Tim, do you think it'd be alright if I were to panty raid Popuri's drawers with Rick hanging out with us? One, he hates my guts, two, it's his _sister_. I'd think there'd be something very wrong with our little chicken farmer if he were to let me do something like that!"

"I guess you have a point there."

"Alright, now that we have that settled," Kai glanced at the clock which only read ten o'clock pm, "I suggest we kill some time until we know everyone's gone to bed."

So after playing poker until it became boring and tipping back glasses of juice (because who would drink beer before going on a panty raid?), the clock in the inn struck one in the morning. Kai shot up, amazingly still fuelled by mass amounts of energy, and stretched. Gray yawned loudly and Tim packed away the cards.

"Hey, Cliff fell asleep." Tim said when he noticed the young traveler snoring softly.

Gray reached over and grabbed Cliff's cheek in a twist pinch. "Hey, wake up, lazy ass." Cliff groaned groggily as he rubbed throbbing cheek furiously.

"Alright Cliff," Kai grabbed the man by the shoulders and stood him up, slapping his cheeks to wake him up fully, "Since we're already here, you're hitting up Ann's room first."

The pony-tailed man, who was still nursing his stinging cheeks gaped unhappily and tried to protest but Kai wouldn't take no for an answer and he ordered Tim and Gray to push Cliff up the stairs. They complied but only because they both thought it'd be amusing to watch Cliff squirm under the pressure.

"Just go for it man!" Kai whispered loudly as Cliff climbed the dark stairs. He reluctantly tiptoed down the hall and thanked the Goddess that Doug's room was on the first floor. If he were to get caught by him...well he could kiss Mineral Town goodbye.

As he finally reached Ann's door he groped for the handle in the darkness. Inching the door open slowly he peeked through and managed to see a sleeping figure lying in bed.

He gulped nervously as he tip toed his way inside. Ann's room was pretty simple to manoeuvre around in, seeing as that she kept it immaculately clean. He spotted her dresser immediately at the far side of the room and skulked his way reluctantly over.

He slid the wooden cupboard open just a little and jammed his hand inside, as soon as his hand brushed against cottony material he quickly took his hand out, mumbled a string of apologies to Ann and slid his way out of her room as quietly as he could. He was just about to squeeze himself out of the door when Ann began to stir in her bed.

"…Cliff…?" the back of his neck prickled with anxiety when he heard her groggy voice. "Oh…Cliff…clean that up…do it…please…"

The traveller exhaled quietly and in relief, she seemed to be sleep talking. He exited the room as quickly as possible and darted down the stairs to be greeted by Kai's wide grinning face.

"Hey! You're still alive! I thought you were gonna have a heart attack or something, judging by the look on your face." His eyes darted to the undergarments in Cliff's hands, "So? Let's see the goods!"

Cliff nodded dumbly and quickly unfolded the pair of underwear he'd stolen. It was a simple white pair with a tiny pink flower on the side. Kai sighed sadly, obviously disappointed.

"Jeez, Ann wears granny underwear. Couldn't you have checked for something sexier?" he grabbed the white panties and inspected them, rolling his eyes, "Cotton, of course."

Cliff bristled a little, "Ann lives with her dad, you can't expect her to ask him to order her exciting underwear for no reason."

Kai shrugged and tossed the stolen underwear back at Cliff, "Yeah, I guess you're right. Enjoy them then. Oh, I sent Gray and Tim to go raid Mary and Elli's drawers actually, we'll make better time this way. We're meeting them in front of Popuri's."

Cliff sighed sadly as he and Kai set out in the dead of night to rendezvous with their thieving friends. He hated to admit it, but way deep down inside he was actually really happy to have a pair of Ann's underwear. He didn't think they were granny underwear at all, they were simple. And that's what Cliff had always liked about Ann.

Kai had been blathering on about something or other but Cliff had done a good job ignoring him until they arrived in front of Chicken Lil's. They were both surprised to see Tim and Gray already waiting for them outside.

"That was fast." Kai said, suspiciously, "Don't tell me you guys got cold feet."

Tim smiled, "Of course not, I'm just a seasoned expert." He held out a pair of, what they all assumed, was Elli's underwear. It was blue and lacey looking, but before they could get a better look Tim had tucked it away in to his pocket. "It helps that Elli's room is right beside mine and that she's spending the night at Ellen's."

Gray scoffed, "That's practically cheating then." He dangled a pair of polka-dot printed underwear at them, "I had to climb the goddamn wall to get into Mary's room, and she was still awake!" Gray scowled at them in the pale moonlight, "She gave me these when I told her what I was trying to do."

"And you say _I_ was cheating." Tim frowned.

"At least Mary was actually in the room!" Gray blushed furiously and clenched Mary's underwear in his hand angrily.

Kai suddenly broke out in laughter, halting Gray and Tim's argument and making Cliff jump in surprise. "You guys," he shook his head, still chuckling, "Such amateurs! Let a professional show you how it's done."

He rubbed his hands together as he grasped the ivy vines that crept up the side of the house, the three men watched him silently as he scaled the side of the house and slid himself into the open window to right. He knew Popuri always kept her windows open during the humid summer nights.

As soon as he was in his eyes were darting around the room for the dresser, he hadn't actually been in Popuri's room before. Heck, he hadn't even set foot on their property, Rick had always been waiting to beat him off with a horde of chickens or something. He noted the rumpled sleeping figure in the bed and Kai smiled fondly, sneaking around as quietly as he could to not wake his pink haired girlfriend.

He found the dresser quickly but cursed the lack of light in the room, the moon had hidden itself behind a cloud so there wasn't even moonlight to guide him. He fumbled about in the dark, trying to feel for the best pair of panties and settled for a silky feeling pair. He jammed his prize in his pocket and crept out of the room and back down to the ground to his waiting accomplices.

"Well, let's see them then." Tim looked at Kai's pocket expectantly.

Kai grinned and proudly flourished his prize. They all blanched. Kai's eyes bugged out when he realized just what the heck he was holding.

A pair of silky green briefs looked back at him.

"Oh shit. You stole Rick's underwear!"

"That's so messed up."

"I thought you said you were an expert!"

Kai's words were caught in his throat and suddenly he screamed and flung the underwear onto the ground. "Shit shit shit!" He gasped as he started flailing his hands, "I touched Rick's tighty whiteys!"

Cliff stooped down to inspect the discarded underwear, "They're more like tighty greenies. I can't believe he's got money to burn on silk underwear."

"I can't believe he's got money to burn buying briefs." Gray shivered. "I'd take a pair of boxers any day."

"Kai…Kai! Are you alright?" Tim's doctor sense had kicked in when Kai had toppled to the ground, quickly he began fanning Kai's face which had quickly become red with embarrassment. "Take deep breaths, inhale through your nose and exhale through your mouth!"

"Well, what are we going to do with this thing." Gray asked Cliff as they stared at Rick's underwear in the middle of the street.

Cliff shrugged, "I don't know, leave them here? I don't want to touch them."

Gray nodded, "Works for me."

They helped Tim carry Kai back to the inn, by the time they got there the chef was already foaming at the mouth.

The next morning Rick was extremely confused and very embarrassed to find his favourite pair of underwear lying about in the middle of the street.

* * *

Good times, good times! Nothing like a panty raid in the middle of the night! I wonder what Popuri's underwear actually look like...

Also, I can't believe I wrote a second chapter for this stupid story. I guess I'll thank sugarapplesweet and that conversation we had about girly underwear, it motivated me!


End file.
